Friday, December 01, 2006

The Paris dog poop shuffle

Here’s what you’ve all been waiting for…the choreography to a brand-new dance called the “dog poop shuffle.” It doesn’t work that well in the States (especially in Salt Lake City, Utah, and mostly definitely all the way in Singapore) because you need some requisite props, but I guess you could use your imagination. Okay, here we go!

1. Start with feet together on the sidewalk at the beginning of a block, standing in an upright position.
2. Walk forward with great care, always scanning ahead for unsightly obstructions. Keep a steady beat.
3. If you approach the obstruction with enough time, swerve around or step over it (with grace). For the more physically fit, jump over with knees towards your chest.
4. If you notice the annoyance last-minute, stop all forward momentum and hop on one foot away from the annoyance.
5. If you’ve succeeded in passing the obstacle without dirtying your shoes, do a full, 360 degree turn on your heel and clap your hands together.
6. If you foolishly dirtied your shoes (you’ll have to do better next time), perform the “stiff-legged scrape” which involves straightening the knee on the maligned side and dragging the sole of your dirty shoe along the ground for four beats. Hop on the clean foot, while lifting the dirty foot behind you. Take a glance at the sole. If it’s still soiled, repeat the “stiff-legged scrape” for another four beats. If the bottom of your shoe is clean, but there are remains behind your heel or between the heel and the ball of the foot, move towards the curb to perform the “pump” which entails attaching the tainted portion of the shoe to the curb’s edge and doing an up-and-down, pumping motion. If you are lucky enough to be blessed with a puddle of rainwater alongside the curb, I would recommend the “swish.” I’ll let you figure that one out.
7. Repeat these steps until you have reached the end of the block. Dancers with pristine feet are allowed to carry out a handless backflip at this point. Others can slump their shoulders forward and drop their heads, in shame.

NOTES: Perform this choreography with extreme caution in these cases.
(1) During or after rain: ground is extremely slippery and obstructions start spreading outwards covering more area, requiring you to make larger movements.
(2) Autumn: the golden and brown leaves provide good camouflage for the offenders – therefore, increase awareness!
(3) Rainy autumn day: avoid if possible.
(4) Nighttime: ditto.

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